mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
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Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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