I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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