I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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