i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
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you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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