Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
