Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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