sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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