dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
