I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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