You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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