I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
