I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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