just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
