I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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