he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This baby is an asshole
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And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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