Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
