how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
