can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
