that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
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It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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