Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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