Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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