I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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