If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
