Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
