Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
