So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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