Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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