1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Shame - the story of my life.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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