New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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