Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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