I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
