he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
