What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
