You just made me feel so damn special
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
