dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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