I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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