I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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