Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
