Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
