im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
