Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
