my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
