I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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