i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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