I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
