I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Randomize
