Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
