I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
