I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
