I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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