I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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