i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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