You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
