thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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